I have often heard the phrase "I would die a happy man if..." but never actually believed I would utter such words. I mean, come on. Is there really one miraculous moment that could cause me to happily say goodbye to all I hold dear in this world? I was certain not. That was until last Friday at 10am when I shook hands and chatted with players from our beloved Crystal Palace FC.
I was on my way back to the U.K. for my mum's birthday last week when a thought popped into my head. Maybe, due to the exponential growth of the Austin Eagles coupled with our loyal support for all things red and blue, I might have some sway with the club. Palace bigwigs are very keen to expand their support in the U.S. and I thought the timing would be perfect. I shot a message to a bunch of vaguely official looking email addresses found on their website stating my credentials and what I hoped to accomplish. I then promptly forgot all about it. Then, a few days later they actually wrote me back. As founder members of the Austin Eagles, my brother Phil and I were invited as special guests to the team's training ground to watch the lads prepare for the following day's London derby with Chelsea. Bloody Hell!
When the day actually came, not only did we watch training but we ended up sitting in on the press conference, taking a guided tour of the facilities trailed closely by the club photographer and videographer and (my pee pee tingles just to write this) chatting with players. As we toured the buildings, I had to clench my butt cheeks as I caught glimpses of each and every one of my heroes as they went on with their daily duties. There they were. Damian Delaney eating a bacon sandwich. Jason Puncheon coming out of the bathroom. Scott Dann tying his laces. Wilfred Zaha running down the stairs. I felt like a devout Christian watching Jesus trim his nails. It was all very surreal. I tried many times to say something to the players but nothing came out. They were probably wondering who the mildly retarded looking guy was who kept staring at them with his mouth open but I didn't care. I was like a pig in shit. And not just regular old piggy shit. I was rolling gleefully around in gold plated, 10 carat unicorn shit patted smooth by the wings of angels. As you can tell, I was pretty happy.
Each new building had a different delight in store. In the gym we eagerly read through the player's weights and athletics all-time leaderboard mounted in pride of place for all to try to beat. This was fascinating. As I read each stat I tried to imagine who I thought was top dog before looking at the answer. I had so much fun doing this that I will test you my Austin Eagles. Which Palace player do you think can deadlift the most? Who can jump the highest? Who is faster, Zaha or Bolasie? Keep reading for the answers.
Next was the physiotherapy room where players recuperated from any injuries they may have incurred. A room more widely used than the gym this season, I heard our tour guide Chris mumble sadly under his breath. One particularly hi-tech looking machine drew my attention. I was told that it was a state of the art treadmill where players were actually elevated off the surface using wind currents for less friction on their joints as they run. This description was then corrected by the physio who had just entered the room to "nah, you just put on those funny trousers over there and connect them to the elastic which holds you up." Keeping it real Palace.
We were then led into the kit room where we got to stroke and sniff our favorite player's shirts. Happily leafing through each jersey while reading the name on the back I came to a slightly unfamiliar white one. Horrified I read the name Pogba printed in big black letters and realized I was holding a bloody Manchester United shirt. I threw it on the ground as if my hands were permanently burnt. Then I looked around to see if anyone was watching, stuffed it into my bag and then excused myself to the nearest bathroom grumbling about how the coffee was going right through me.
Next came the day's most magical moment. We were led out to the training pitches and were told the players would be out soon. I took in a sharp breath as Yohan Cabaye ran out the door and right past me followed by the thundering boots of his teammates. I wasn't sure where to look. I was like a fat boy locked in a candy shop. The last to come out was new star striker and club record transfer Christian Benteke. To my amazement he stopped and looked me straight in the eye. The photographer next to me took the opportunity to get some club shots before I grabbed my Austin Eagles flag and fell upon him begging for a snap. Like the media savvy sportsman he is, he flashed his huge smile and fell in place between my brother and I. He then ran off and promptly slammed his foot into the nearest ball curling it into the roof of the net. I had man love.
I didn't think it could get any better than that until I glanced left and saw our commander in chief Mr Alan Pardew striding towards me. I was told he was coming to talk to us. I puffed out my chest, put my shoulders back and cleared my throat desperately hoping I wouldn't screw this up. I tried to act cool and answer his questions with eloquence and charm. However, all I actually succeeded in doing was laugh way too loud and drool a bit. He then obliged me and Phil in posing for the obligatory flag photo. As he stood sandwiched between us for the picture he looked left to me and right to Phil before saying "you're tall brothers aren't ya". Witty retorts including "you need two new center backs?" and "you seemed bigger on tv" were on the tip of my tongue. Unfortunately, only more loud and uncomfortable laughing came out along with the spittle. As he ran off he asked whether we were going to be at the game tomorrow. I replied with the rather bizarre comment "on me head, Alan". He didn't look back again. What a day.
Thankfully, even though the experience did leave me a little breathless, I decided that Friday was not the day to call it a day on my life. It was just a really good day. The following day, however, was not a day to remember as we got beaten by Chelsea 1-0. Maybe the players should have worn those funny physio trousers a little less.
Thanks to Matt, Chris and Harriet who organized this fantastic experience and who I hope will continue to show our little fan club the dedication that we show them. And thanks to all involved for getting the Austin Eagles featured in a full page of the Chelsea match day program along with excerpts on the CPFC website and email to all fans.
Oh and in case you were wondering, Julian Speroni is champ in deadlift at 175lbs, Bakari Sako can jump highest at 62.7cm and as for who the fastest is between Zaha and Bolasie? Well, they are exactly the same at 10 m/s. I like that.
Woody and Phil with Alan Pardew
Full page of Austin Eagles match day program
Woody, Phil and big Al
Boys in training training
Woody and Phil at the training ground.
Austin Eagles featured in the weekly official Palace email newsletter