As you can see, the Austin Eagles are quite obviously the second best team in the best league in the world. Evidence proves that we are now only one place away from reigning supreme. Last Saturday our perky peckers picked apart a poor looking Norwich side winning the day by 3 goals to 1. We have stamped our authority on this season and are ready to stamp some more. This week we face the mighty Arsenal. It will be a tough challenge but with the support of the Austin Eagles, our boys shall not fail.
The game this weekend will sadly be starting at the ungodly hour of 7.30am Sunday morning. I did attempt to petition The Almighty hoping he might enforce his day of rest. Unfortunately I have since been informed that He wants the game to continue on schedule in the hope that the Austin Eagles don't keep winning and start stamping on His turf.
I am out of town this weekend so I will not be at Fado. However, the following weekend we shall meet again.
Ladies and Gentlewrens, would you believe that the new season for the Austin Eagles is already upon us? Next weekend heralds the first game of the new campaign for our beloved ball blasters and the expectations are high. A little birdie tells me that not only are we expected to better lasts season's finish but maybe even challenge the top names. An exciting number of summer transfer signings have already left me drooling with a few more still in the works.
And to kick off possibly the most exciting season in the life of Crystal Palace Football Club, the heads of the Austin Eagle chapter can proudly unveil a groundbreaking, never-before-seen miracle of the modern age . This "website" will be packed with juicy tidbits and up to the minute stats for you browse, helping keep the midweek madness away when you just can't wait for Saturday morning to roll around. With the assistance of Austin Eagle media director Adrian "URL capitan" Taylor, you will no longer be left in the dark wondering how the lads are fairing across the pond.
Any and all recommendations for content are welcomed but will need screening first for lack of puns and rhyming.
Please join me and mi ameagles this Saturday 8th at 9am in Fado downtown for the new season's first battle royale against freshly promoted side Norwich. The team dubbed "The Canaries" will find this cage match one they won't easily fly away from.
I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was, lying on my twin bed, tears streaming down my face with my dad's caring hand rested firmly on my back. His kind words, usually so soothing, unable to release me from my current teenage pains. It was supposed to be my special day. I had arranged for all my "friends" to come round and play at my house for lots of fun events. But they were all an hour late. Confused, I decided to walk to one of their houses round the corner. What I found when I arrived was all the kids I had invited to mine kicking footballs in HIS front yard with absolutely no intention of coming to mine. I was distraught and ran home to cry. It was at that point that I truly believed that I would never have any good friends. A residual feeling from this has lingered with me throughout my adult life. That was until May 24th, just a week before my 39th birthday. Crystal Palace played Swansea in the last game of the 2014/15 season and a surprise party was planned for me. Each and every one of you who turned up, and those who sent good wishes, I thank you from the bottom of my red and blue heart. I was truly touched by the gathering. You guys are great. To appreciate this, I have attached a few pics from the event. A special thank you goes out to my wife Heather, organizer this shindig, who will always be my best friend and who I am pretty sure would never stand me up to go play with another friend's balls.
Crystal Palace FC had their most successful season for almost 30 years and it was mostly down to you, my Austin Eagles. Without you they may have dropped to joint 11th instead of 10th; a catastrophe as I am sure you will agree. You all made a difference, even if you only read the emails (Merri-Gale is added back in on this one). I am truly excited to see you all back ready for the action to begin again on August 8th for the new season.
Come on you Eagles!
Once upon a time there was a passionate King who ruled over a red-and-blue streaked land from up high in a fragile yet formidable Crystal Palace. King Woody was generally a happy and caring ruler who entertained his subjects daily with his peculiar yet somehow intelligent-sounding speech. He was not native to this land he oversaw, born far away in a cold and rainy place before now marrying into Orlandean royalty. He genuinely loved his new home, procreating two tornado like heirs for stability in his kingdom Austintian. But sadly, he had a pain in his heart. Even though King Woody was literally surrounded by loved ones in and around his impressive abode, he felt lonely and longed for a bite of his homeland. Yes, he sorely missed his family, friends and bizarrely flavorless foods from childhood. But the thing that stabbed deepest into this King's heart was a forlorn love for his national sport. His adopted new people were infatuated with an odd pastime where men dressed like knights heading to battle endlessly clattered into each other chasing an egg shaped ball while stopping every minute for breaks. He wished he could convince them to focus their attentions on the beautiful game of soccer, or football as he adventurously named it. Not wanting to be a tyrant and ban throwball, each weekend he allowed his champions to suit up and bundle upon one another in a very manly looking male orgy.
That was until that glorious warm afternoon when King Woody took his bold step. During a speech, he announced the formation of the Austintian Eagles finally proclaiming his adoration of the beloved sport of his homeland. Offering cotton created treasures from his healthy coffers to anyone who joined his quest, he was initially tickled by a small contingent from his people who followed him. As the core group grew, so did the confidence and talent of the team. A staggering run of wins resulted in a manic fervor gripping Austintian. However, as match results began to go against the Eagles, he found his subject's interest waning. Even his chief stoner mason Macey whom he brought with him from Englandium stopped coming to games, hammering another nail into the royal coffin. The final flaw occurred during the last match as only his three most loyal subjects attended; legal counsel cum court jester Jose Valeria, Germanium goth warrior Dylan Moenchenhuaser and token Asian ninja Cindy "death" Roantiam.
King Woody was desperate. What he needed was someone just like him. Someone who loved the sport from deep down inside. As the Mancunian foe who currently fought his Eagles scored what would be the winning goal, he slumped further into his seat, sipping pathetically at his golden ale wondering where inspiration would come from. As always, it's when you hit rock bottom that the light appears. Backlit from the early sun's rays through yonder Fado windows came a stranger unbeknownst to the King. Jackson Massey boldly approached the beleaguered monarch commenting intelligently on the Austintian Eagles. After a few minutes of statistical chit chat, King Woody asked with a slight quiver to his voice which team Jackson supported. As the words "Crystal Palace Austintian Eagles" tumbled from the stranger's mouth the King desperately clutched for stability. Ever since his move to Austintian, he had hardly met anyone who had even heard of his team, let alone another fan. In fact, upon mentioning the team's name, many of his new subjects giggled like schoolgirls chanting cruel songs like "golden showers" at him. But now, here, on this sorrowful morning of defeat, a brighter future beckons. With the addition of this new and unbribed support, the last two games must go the way of the Eagles.
This weekend, the game starts at 11.30 but as King Woody has sole charge of his two tornado offspring, he will be hosting the game at his second home of Club Stacy Lane at 12.45pm. Sadly, Jackson Massey will be in Houstown this weekend so please don't get too excited. However, he will be at the last game of the season the following Sunday at Fado at which King Woody will be paying for ale for all.
Until then my friends
KW
This week I shall curb my words and cater to the majority of us who would prefer pictures. The attached picture shows how unbelievably successful Crystal Palace have been since the formation of the Austin Eagles. This symbiotic relationship we have must continue.
There are only three games left in the season and although we have lost three games in a row now, with your help, we will finish on a high.
This weekend we are playing our old nemesis Manchester United. Ever since our defeat in 1990 in the final of the FA cup to their hands, this fixture has been one that we would love to win.
It is a later start on Saturday this week, so I will be at Fados with the family at 11.30am to eat drink and hopefully smash those Mancs. Fado is also a Manchester United bar so it will surely be raucous. Let's have a good showing and sing loud and proud for the boys from a South London.
See you there
Ps thanks go out to Austin Eagle Pete Reid for taking time from a dull Friday afternoon to create the Palace success chart attached.
I regret to inform you, my beaked buddies, that last week's prayers for a win went holy unheard. After another painful 2-0 defeat by a struggling team, it is hard to ignore the fact that the our savior must have forsaken us. Surely if He had realized the pain and suffering we would feel to finish anything less than joint 9th this season, He would have boarded the next cloud from Tibet and focused his healing powers on South London instead. It is incomprehensible how He could ignore the ringing in his head of so many pleading voices from you, my Austin Eagles. I know that each and every one of you must have spent hours kneeling by your bedside, tears streaming down your faces at the thought of losing even just one more game. Your deafening pleas surely should have had an effect. It was mystifying.
So, after all this confusion, it gives me great pleasure today to reveal to you, my Palace Peeps, the reason for this stunning shunning. Our prayers went to God spam. It appears that any mental mention of American immigration policy gets immediately disregarded and thrown post haste into that great big spam basket in the sky (together with anything from Utah and self help messages on erectile disfunction; they don't call him the Big Man for nothing). Sadly my email last week was one such victim. It appears that even Jesus himself is not immune to the big brotherly arm of the U.S. immigration Services. During one of his fact finding Earth bound forays he found himself spending a night in the slammer accused of entering the United States as an illegal alien. Maybe someone should have told him that fashion has changed somewhat in 2000 years and the full body sheet look wasn't really hip anymore.
After petitioning the Almighty, the spam ban has now been lifted and I plead to you, Mighty One, to send your oh so sweet baby son down once more this Sunday to raise his prolific talons donned in red and blue against table toppers Chelsea to fight for what is right in this world. Just one word of advice I give to you Jesus; you are not the first second coming. Your eternal enemy below beat you to it and sent back his corruptive Snake. Only this time you will know him by the name John Terry.
The game against Chelsea this weekend is on Sunday at the ungodly hour of 7.30am. A bad start to our heavenly help. I will be recording the game and watching it at 12.45pm at my house on Sunday. Feel free to come over.
Until then my friends
Woody
Our boys were guilty last weekend. They fell foul of that lesser known but equally evil cardinal sin of Complacency. As you all obviously know due to spending much of your week pondering the intricacies of these deeply meaningful soccer scribes, I stated in my previous email that our last game would be a guaranteed win. I have since realized after our shocking 2-0 defeat to one of the most pitiful teams in the league that it is not just the Immigration Services who are tapping into our feed. It is obvious to me now now that the top brass at Selhurst Park, the birth place and sacred heart of our beloved Eagles, are also tuning in. Sadly, they must have read my last musings and decided that they didn't actually need to bother playing in order to win. And not only that but our new manager and my personal man crush Alan Pardew took it upon himself to put half the team in completely different positions around the pitch. Needless to say that this did not work and we ended the game with nothing to show for our Complacency.
This week we play Hull, another team desperately fighting for their lives at the foot of the Premier League. It is my solemn belief that we can take nothing for granted in this battle and will need the personal help of all you Austin Eagles along with the superbly critical eye of the excellent United States Immigration Services and of course sweet little baby Jesus to take all three points.
Please join me complete with my green card for the stone rolling resurrection of Crystal Palace tomorrow, Saturday, at Fados pub downtown at 9am.
Ka-kaaw
You heard it here first my friends.
A source close to Crystal Palace boss Alan Pardew has leaked information suggesting our team's unbelievable run of form is mainly thanks to one thing - the Austin Eagles. The well informed insider concluded it was no coincidence that the stunning upturn in results coincided perfectly with the formation of our little group.
"It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. The Austin Eagles ooze passion and
pride for their team out of every pore of their bodies. There's no way in hell that it couldn't have an effect on the team," he said.
The latest in the string of victories saw Palace thrust four past a woeful Sunderland with the mazy winger Bolasie grabbing an 11 minute hatrick. Opposition fans streamed out of the ground way before the end of the game realizing how pointless it was to dream of coming back against the unstoppable boys in red and blue.
The Eagles are now in 11th place out of 20 with only a few points separating us from eighth. Now you may think to yourselves "what good is eighth?". Well, with each position in the league at the end of the season adding $1.5 million to next year's coffers it will allow us to start next year with a bang.
Tomorrow we play West Brom. They have lost three in a row now and the result should be a foregone conclusion. Come and watch the magic.
Fados
Crystal Palace vs West Brom
9am Saturday 18th.
The hit NBC soccer show Men in Blazers will be in Austin this Friday for SXSW. They will be filming live at Fados in the evening featuring local characters in the soccer scene. And to represent you, my Austin Eagles, I have been asked to attend dressed in my Palace shirt and blazer. It seems that our wee club is now known throughout these lands as a force to be reckoned with.
http://www.nbcsports.com/show/men-blazers
Needless to say I shall have my talons raised further than ever and hope to make you all proud.
This Saturday our beloved boys are back in action. After almost two weeks without any goalmouth glory, my extremities are tingling. With the glorious 3-1 win against West Ham behind us we look forward to a relegation battle against Queens Park Rangers and another step to safety. We are eight points above the drop and looking strong.
The game Saturday is another crazy early one at 6.45am. Again, I will be recording this and showing the game at club Stacy at 1pm. I will also regale you with tales of Crystal Palace Fan Club fame from the night before.
Keep the faith
Woody
Our beloved Austin Eagles divebombed The Tavern last weekend to the confusion of Arsenal fans on their home turf. Palace chants rang out and healthy banter ensued. Sadly, the frustrating game ended 2-1 to our fourth placed opponents with a thrilling conclusion when our boys scored in the second to last minute and hit the post in the last. The Eagles were by far the better team all game with the Arsenal manager stating that they were "lucky" to come away with a win. Palace boss Alan Pardew summed it up perfectly saying that "I can't remember being so fulfilled by a defeat for a long time", a thoroughly English thing to say. We may have lost but that performance shows that we are far superior to the scum wasting away at the foot of the table.
This weekend is another city derby game for us against the geographically inept East London based team of West Ham, maybe the most famous Ham in football to date. Without their injured star striker, these little piggies are gonna get a butchering.
The game is very early on Saturday at 6.45am. Because of this, I will be recording the match and hosting at club Stacy at 1pm. Once again, death to anyone who reveals the score pre game. Heather and the ladies are out of town this weekend so if you wish to bring your kids you can. After the game and if weather holds, we will be grilling and drinking beer. Byob. If you want food, let me
know.
Seeya then my faithful feathered friends.
Woody
My heartfelt thanks to all those who came down to the game last Saturday. You made my dreams come true as you will now read.
The following are actual, real life comments recorded live at Fados during the Crystal Palace Liverpool game.
Craig, 32, from Glasgow, Scotland, has supported Liverpool since he was a wee bairn and has seen a majority of their games at Fados. "I cannae believe it. I dinnae know when I have ever seen so many damn Palace fans in here. They're like rats. They just keep on coming."
Nigel, 44, born in a box in an impoverished suburb of Liverpool, missed one of the goals because he couldn't stop staring at all the Austin Eagles. "What the feck is happening. They almost outnumber us now. We may need to find a new bar to watch Liverpool. You can't see the screen for these feckers."
John, 25, from right here in Austin, Tx, said: "Crystal who? Sounds like faggot talk to me?"
Claire, 28, from Blackburn, England, who has hated the scousers of Liverpool her entire life, shouted playfully in my ear: "I don't usually support your lot but I hope you guys f*ck them up the arse."
A friend of Chris, 27, a Liverpool fan born rather inconveniently 200 miles away in Bristol, said: "Before today, I would have bet against there being even one Palace fan in Austin. Where did they all come from? I knew Austin was weird but Jesus Christ."
You guys are awesome. It was a treat to see so many Eagle shirts gracing the torsos of my friends.
This week may be the last game for a while we will see down the pub. The following three weekends have either ludicrously early 6.45am central time games or an empty slot.
I know I said that last week's game was the one to come to but this one really can't be missed. The Eagles take on high flyers Arsenal who are challenging for the top spots in the league. It will take a huge group effort on our part to push our boys to the win.
9am Fados Saturday.
I had a face full of zits, my nickname was thud and the girl I loved wouldn't let me touch her boobs. But did I care. Hell no. Nothing mattered because Crystal Palace had just beaten Liverpool 4-3 in a nail-biting semi final of the 1990 FA Cup. It was glorious. And it's about to happen again.
This Saturday we play the scousers once again in the cup. However, this time it is a few rounds before with 16 teams still in the fight. If we win, we move on to the quarters finals.
And with most of the top teams already out, this could be our year. Sadly, back in 1990, the cup trophy was cruely poached from us by the detestable Manchester United who stole Palace's closest chance for reputable silverware so far in my lifetime. It will not happen again. Our boys are still firing on all cylinders after beating Leicester last weekend and tying to Newcastle yesterday.
Fados is predominantly a Liverpool bar with a solid showing of support for the Reds each week. If you have been thinking of coming to a game, then this is the one. And what's better, the game starts at 11.30am, a far more acceptable time to get drunk.
The game will be shown on the big screen and with just a meager support of 10 Austin Eagles we could show those northern monkeys a thing or two about being a real fan. I will have matching shirts for each of you and have drawn up detailed plans to form a human pyramid for when we score to strike fear into the hearts of the foe (note, I have been hard at work practicing the famous solo yoga pose "the pyramid", just in case).
See you there
Talons up
It had to come to an end sometime. Palace were the better team but cruelly robbed of three points by a solitary goal in the first two minutes of the game against Everton last Saturday. The following 88 minutes saw the Eagles dominate but come up short. Thankfully almost all other teams below us lost too so we didn't lose any ground. It will now show the teams fortitude to emerge from a frustrating defeat with their crests held high and their talons even higher.
This Saturday we play Leicester, or Lyecesster if you're American. They are rotting at the foot of the table and odds on to stay that way. This is another crucial game we need to win to pull further away from the bottom feeders and show the Premier League that these feathers ain't easily ruffled.
Latest news
- As of just two hours ago, I am now in possession of nine brand new, and might I say trendy, Crystal Palace shirts ready for collection by our Austin Eagles. There are still a few unaccounted for so come one, come all.
NOTE
I shall not be at Fados this weekend. I have a prior engagement. However, I will record the game and be hosting an official post game showing at my home at 1pm that same day. Come along and enjoy the action in the comfort of Club Stacy with only one house rule. If you know the score, shut your beak.
I intentionally added this note to the bottom of the email so all you uncouth unsubscribers unable to read a few mere paragraphs may turn up at fados all alone swarmed by a sea of
surly soccer fans out for bird blood.
GO EAGLES
I know; I feel your pain. Surely an eon has passed since the Austin Eagles last met? Could it
really be only two weeks ago that we feasted on our boys in red and blue raping and pillaging any that come their way? Can anyone pull me from this hellish existence and send me heaven bound to that dream like trance of post goal bliss. End me now, please.
These are the words I have heard from each and every Eaglet under my wing as days pass going cold turkey without that goal bound shot in the arm only Crystal Palace FC can provide. I can only hope and pray that the next two days go without any slitting of wings before our sporting heroes can once again grace that magic turf. Just hold on everyone, when we stomp on Everton this Saturday it's going to be like that first time all over again. Only this time with a 5' banner and matching t-shirts.
As we are all so painfully aware, last weekend saw no Premiership league action. However,
our brave boys in bands of blue played high flying and third in the league Southampton in a non televised game in the FA Cup. Just two months ago, we lost pitifully 3-1 to them. This time, we came from behind twice to win 3-2 to give our new manager his fourth win from four. We are truly unstoppable. We are now one of only 20 or so teams left who could hold aloft that prestigious cup trophy.
This Saturday we are back to the regular league against the usually solid Toffeemen of Everton who have now only won one game in their last 13 and are ripe for some bird strike.
LATEST NEWS
- Fado management have cordoned off the "Vic Snug" area next to the front door for the Austin Eagles and have promised that every game with full sound will be playing before kick off.
- on a recent trip to rival footy bar "The Tavern", Co chairman Macey overheard a group of Arsenal "Gooners" exclaim that during the last game at Fados, he couldn't believe his eyes and ears when chants from a group of Palace fans drowned out the long-serving and rowdy Liverpool fans watching another game. Possibly the proudest moment of my life so far (excluding marriage, raising children and winning a yo-yo tournament with a particularly reckless version of Around the World) - the long-awaited Austin Eagles website is about to break ground with founder member Clay working diligently on content. As a teasing taster to what's in store, see this link http://youtu.be/l6N2vwe9Swk
I know many of you are curious to know what it's like to be an Austin Eagle. Well, be curious no more my friends. Join me and my red and
blue army at 9am at Fados this Saturday to once again drink beer and eat blood. You will not regret
it.
2 none down, 3-2 up, two world wars and one World Cup.
Last Saturday saw Crystal Palace do something they have never done. We went two goals down in the first 20 minutes. Then in stunning fashion, came back to win 3-2 with the winner in the last two minutes. The Eagles have not come back to win from two goals down in the history of the premier league. The Palace faithful drowned out deafening chants from other fans in Fados drawing confused faces from all around which seemed to say "Crystal who". Follow the link below to watch the goals.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ey095_burnley-2-3-crystal-palace-all-goals-hd_sport
The small troll looking guy who got two goals for us is Dwight Gayle. He's so potent in front of goal that he even has his own chant. And you can see it here for yourself performed beautifully by the Austin Eagles.
We play Southampton in the FA Cup this Saturday which isn't on TV. The next meeting of the Austin Eagles will be Saturday 31st January at 9am at Fados against the Toffeemen of Everton. They are right next to us in the league so another win would see us free from the pains of the relegation dogfight.
The fan's shirts and 5' wide Palace banner have finally arrived and if you come down for next week's game you will see it proudly hung under the TV.
See you there
Woody
Zaha picks up the ball on the edge of the Tottenham box. He dummies one baffled defender weaving the ball to his left. A seemless stepover leaves a second sprawling on the floor. A
third sprints to help his hapless comrades but in turn leaves Jason Puncheon open in front of goal. A perfect pass sees the ball land sweetly on Punchy's golden left foot. Without even looking up, he drives the ball low and hard into the bottom corner of the net giving Palace a glorious 2-1 victory against the Premiership's most recent in-form team. Proudly strutting off the pitch, our newly appointed manager blew kisses at the crowd to deafening roars of "Alan Pardew's red and blue army".
Two wins in a row and the Austin Eagles Fado faithful are eagerly anticipating this Saturday's crucial tie against Burnley who are fighting for their lives after recently moving up into the top flight. A win against the struggling Bees this Saturday will be the huge confidence boost we need. And this all starts with YOU!
My banner and shirts are still in the mail with fears that some fashion savvy mailman may just have nabbed them for his Saturday evening social wear. But that will not keep our talons down. Please join me for blood pudding, sweat and beers.
Burnley v Crystal Palace. 9am this Saturday at Fados. Be there or be a bee.
We are on a roll! After slamming in four goals in the FA cup with our new manager and former Crystal Palace ace Alan Pardew at the helm for the first time, the Eagles are soaring.
Our next game is against the in form Tottenham Hotspur which just beat table toppers Chelsea, who were probably too distracted to play deciphering their opponents name. The game is later tomorrow which gives all you hatchlings enough time to break out from your hungover shell and flap your way to Fados. The reaction all around Austin that 16 people made it to the last game has been overwhelming, to the point where the chairman of the Austin Tottenham fan club sent me an email with congratulations. To which I of course replied "bugger off you spurs".
The 5' Palace banner I will hang at Fados is in the mail direct from the source with one of each size shirts, as shown attached, to find your right size.
I am eager to see all of you with your singing voices and drinking hats at 11.30am
tomorrow, Saturday, at Fados. If you want to go down earlier for the other matches just let me know and I will make it down there.
Yours
South London Tits and Fanny
It was a morning to remember. 16 Crystal Palace faithful crammed themselves into a packed corner of Fado Irish Pub to sit mesmerized by the merits of our South London Princes in red and blue. It was neck and neck to the end and couldn't have been a closer fight, even if someone had actually scored a goal. Even though it was dry in the goalmouth, the mouth mouth of every supporter flowed with Guinness. The passion oozed from every pore of my new found comrades with raucous chants shaking the very timbers of the bar. I have never been so proud to call myself an Eagle. And to cap it all off, fresh-from-the-egg hatchling Jose even brought about the new and never before heard CPFC Austin warcry. "Talons up" Austin.
The rest of you who couldn't make it I am sure due to loss of limb or other such incapacitating issue, don't fret, we play again New Year's Day. I can hear the sighs of relief audible from here.
Crystal Palace Eagles play Aston Villa Sausages (or something dumb like that) tomorrow at 9am. I shall be there and hope to see the streets of 4th street painted
red and blue. I realize that tonight is a big night but leave a little room for tomorrow - your
hangover will vanish when you watch the New Year Palace drop the ball.